Monday, August 25, 2003
Time, the trail, and transition
I have re-entered the working world with all of the good and the bad. It feels good to be productive, connecting with kids, teaching, learning, and supporting myself; but at the same time, I feel myself getting sucked into the grind I have been fighting against for so long. I suddenly find my time sucked away by the endless tasks that consume adult life-- some seeming more worth while than others.
This weekend, I went camping at the start of the AT. I felt at home there with my tent as a bedroom, campfire as kitchen, waterfall as sanctuary, sun as alarm clock, and trails as hallways spreading out in all directions for me to explore. I felt the AT stretching before me all the way to Maine and wanted so badly to begin. Six months!!!
Is it me or them? Ever since I have been home from Alaska, I have had trouble finding people that I can relate to. Surrounded by shiny people that look as if they walked off the cover of a magazine, I neither feel as though I fit in nor deire to do so. I can count on one hand the people I feel truly myself with. I am not deluded into thinking that the problem lies in others. I know that this is something that I need to allow God to change in my heart. Perhaps, it is fear that keeps me hanging on to these feelings. Letting go could mean embracing this life and leaving Alaska behind. I just don't know if that is what I really want. I guess I just need to trust...
I have re-entered the working world with all of the good and the bad. It feels good to be productive, connecting with kids, teaching, learning, and supporting myself; but at the same time, I feel myself getting sucked into the grind I have been fighting against for so long. I suddenly find my time sucked away by the endless tasks that consume adult life-- some seeming more worth while than others.
This weekend, I went camping at the start of the AT. I felt at home there with my tent as a bedroom, campfire as kitchen, waterfall as sanctuary, sun as alarm clock, and trails as hallways spreading out in all directions for me to explore. I felt the AT stretching before me all the way to Maine and wanted so badly to begin. Six months!!!
Is it me or them? Ever since I have been home from Alaska, I have had trouble finding people that I can relate to. Surrounded by shiny people that look as if they walked off the cover of a magazine, I neither feel as though I fit in nor deire to do so. I can count on one hand the people I feel truly myself with. I am not deluded into thinking that the problem lies in others. I know that this is something that I need to allow God to change in my heart. Perhaps, it is fear that keeps me hanging on to these feelings. Letting go could mean embracing this life and leaving Alaska behind. I just don't know if that is what I really want. I guess I just need to trust...
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Useridentity Crisis
I am currently suffering from online multiple personlaity syndrome. In addition to the numerous userids and passwords that I have to manage my personal finances, I have recently joined several trail forums, list serves, and associations related to hiking. I even joined a bizarre web log community of people at blogger.com who post their random thoughts for the day as if others would want to read them. With half a dozen ID names and numbers on about a dozen sites, I am starting to feel overwhelmed and as if little bits of me are being torn off and strewn about the information superhighway. This is exactly why I need to hike the trail. But I won't even escape it there, because I fully intend to post a journal at trailjournals.com. I am beginning to think that the internet may be more dangerous than suburbia. Yikes!!!
I am currently suffering from online multiple personlaity syndrome. In addition to the numerous userids and passwords that I have to manage my personal finances, I have recently joined several trail forums, list serves, and associations related to hiking. I even joined a bizarre web log community of people at blogger.com who post their random thoughts for the day as if others would want to read them. With half a dozen ID names and numbers on about a dozen sites, I am starting to feel overwhelmed and as if little bits of me are being torn off and strewn about the information superhighway. This is exactly why I need to hike the trail. But I won't even escape it there, because I fully intend to post a journal at trailjournals.com. I am beginning to think that the internet may be more dangerous than suburbia. Yikes!!!
Saturday, August 16, 2003
A Solitary Place
"Very early in the morning while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed..." Mark 1:35
"Once again Jesus went out beside the lake..." Mark 2:13
"On the Sabbath we went outside the city gate to the river, where we expected to find a place of prayer..." Acts 16:13
In each of these passages, Jesus or the apostles did not go seeking ministry. They went to solitary places to pray and seek God. In seeking God, they found His direction and opportunities for ministry. Like the apostles, I went to Alaska, in part, seeking solitude, a place where I could focus on God and draw closer to him. I had grand notions of reading tons of books and writing volumes of my own. Instead, I found myself overwhelmed by my work and inundated with open doors for ministry. Although our village was isolated, I had to make an effort to seek solitude in such a small community. Strangely, here in a metropolitan area of 4 million people, I find myself with more solitude than I know what to do with.
Still...I crave a chance to truly get away from the busyness that continually seeks to distract me from God. I know that I need to learn to abide even in the middle of life's insanity, but I am curious about what will happen if I spent several months alone--just me, God, and his creation. God created each of us with unique personalities, interests, and desires. I have wanted to do this for some time, and I figure I better do it now before I settle down somewhere. My plan is to spend next summer hiking the Appalachian Trail--my own Walden experience. 2000 miles. 5-7 months. Jesus and the apostles sought time to pray in solitude-- Jesus even spent 40 days in the wilderness. I look forward to what God will teach me through this experience and how he might use me either while I'm on the trail or after I finish. I don't know what I will do or where I will go afterward, but it seems that the Holy Spirit used those times of solitude to direct the ministry of people. I pray that I will be open to whatever God might lead me to do after this adventure.
I am looking for a partner or group to hike with for safety and encouragement, although I'm willing to go alone. I would love to find a Christian group, but have not found one yet. Perhaps I'll have to start one. If anyone out there wants to learn more about the AT, check The Appalachian Trail Conference or Whiteblaze Forum. I'll post more info on the possibility of a Christian group hike as I develop the idea. Until then...
Blessings!
"Very early in the morning while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed..." Mark 1:35
"Once again Jesus went out beside the lake..." Mark 2:13
"On the Sabbath we went outside the city gate to the river, where we expected to find a place of prayer..." Acts 16:13
In each of these passages, Jesus or the apostles did not go seeking ministry. They went to solitary places to pray and seek God. In seeking God, they found His direction and opportunities for ministry. Like the apostles, I went to Alaska, in part, seeking solitude, a place where I could focus on God and draw closer to him. I had grand notions of reading tons of books and writing volumes of my own. Instead, I found myself overwhelmed by my work and inundated with open doors for ministry. Although our village was isolated, I had to make an effort to seek solitude in such a small community. Strangely, here in a metropolitan area of 4 million people, I find myself with more solitude than I know what to do with.
Still...I crave a chance to truly get away from the busyness that continually seeks to distract me from God. I know that I need to learn to abide even in the middle of life's insanity, but I am curious about what will happen if I spent several months alone--just me, God, and his creation. God created each of us with unique personalities, interests, and desires. I have wanted to do this for some time, and I figure I better do it now before I settle down somewhere. My plan is to spend next summer hiking the Appalachian Trail--my own Walden experience. 2000 miles. 5-7 months. Jesus and the apostles sought time to pray in solitude-- Jesus even spent 40 days in the wilderness. I look forward to what God will teach me through this experience and how he might use me either while I'm on the trail or after I finish. I don't know what I will do or where I will go afterward, but it seems that the Holy Spirit used those times of solitude to direct the ministry of people. I pray that I will be open to whatever God might lead me to do after this adventure.
I am looking for a partner or group to hike with for safety and encouragement, although I'm willing to go alone. I would love to find a Christian group, but have not found one yet. Perhaps I'll have to start one. If anyone out there wants to learn more about the AT, check The Appalachian Trail Conference or Whiteblaze Forum. I'll post more info on the possibility of a Christian group hike as I develop the idea. Until then...
Blessings!
Thursday, August 14, 2003
More than a Song
I had one of those really excellent quiet times today. After days/weeks/months of very forced, dry and formulaic patterns of reading scripture, journaling, and praying, I finally had one of those excellent interactions with the Word—befriending the concordance, flipping to various verses, underlining, making notes, and even pulling out the dictionary.
There were two main lines of thought. I’ll deal with the second line another day. The first idea has to do with a question I asked God yesterday: what does worship really mean? I wanted to better understand what it meant to worship God with my life. The Bible calls us to “worship in spirit and in truth” (John 4:24). We are also called to “offer [our] bodies as holy and pleasing to God—this is [our] spiritual act of worship”(Romans 12:1). In the Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren points out that “the most common mistake Christians make in worship is seeking an experience rather than seeking God.”
OK--pulling all this together: worship is about God, not about us or our feelings. God doesn’t care about how good the band is. In fact, he doesn’t care about whether or not there even is a band or any music of any kind. He just cares about the sincerity of our hearts as we honor and give glory to Him. He also desires for us to worship him in truth—as he is, not as we desire him to be. So worship is about Him as he is. At the same time, we are also called to offer ourselves as we are—as he created us to be.
God created us each to be unique with different gifts, personalities, and interests. Worshipping him in truth could mean worshipping him as he is, but also as we are. We can worship him in everything we do, as long as we do everything for His glory and not our own. That means we can worship him through sports, writing, teaching, studying, etc. Worship is more than a song, band, ritual, or fleeting emotion.
Worship is about being real with God and ourselves. It is about putting him where he belongs, above all other things. In order for worship to be real, we can't hide behind mindless rituals or limit ourselves and God to Sunday mornings or Wednesday nights. Worship is something that we do with our hearts, minds, and bodies. It is something that we must do every moment of every day. My problem is that understanding something with my mind does not mean that I will always follow through with my heart and other aspects of my life...
I hope that makes sense to other people. It makes sense in my head...
I had one of those really excellent quiet times today. After days/weeks/months of very forced, dry and formulaic patterns of reading scripture, journaling, and praying, I finally had one of those excellent interactions with the Word—befriending the concordance, flipping to various verses, underlining, making notes, and even pulling out the dictionary.
There were two main lines of thought. I’ll deal with the second line another day. The first idea has to do with a question I asked God yesterday: what does worship really mean? I wanted to better understand what it meant to worship God with my life. The Bible calls us to “worship in spirit and in truth” (John 4:24). We are also called to “offer [our] bodies as holy and pleasing to God—this is [our] spiritual act of worship”(Romans 12:1). In the Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren points out that “the most common mistake Christians make in worship is seeking an experience rather than seeking God.”
OK--pulling all this together: worship is about God, not about us or our feelings. God doesn’t care about how good the band is. In fact, he doesn’t care about whether or not there even is a band or any music of any kind. He just cares about the sincerity of our hearts as we honor and give glory to Him. He also desires for us to worship him in truth—as he is, not as we desire him to be. So worship is about Him as he is. At the same time, we are also called to offer ourselves as we are—as he created us to be.
God created us each to be unique with different gifts, personalities, and interests. Worshipping him in truth could mean worshipping him as he is, but also as we are. We can worship him in everything we do, as long as we do everything for His glory and not our own. That means we can worship him through sports, writing, teaching, studying, etc. Worship is more than a song, band, ritual, or fleeting emotion.
Worship is about being real with God and ourselves. It is about putting him where he belongs, above all other things. In order for worship to be real, we can't hide behind mindless rituals or limit ourselves and God to Sunday mornings or Wednesday nights. Worship is something that we do with our hearts, minds, and bodies. It is something that we must do every moment of every day. My problem is that understanding something with my mind does not mean that I will always follow through with my heart and other aspects of my life...
I hope that makes sense to other people. It makes sense in my head...
Wednesday, August 13, 2003
Suburban Beauty #1
OK. I've found one beautiful thing about life here. Fellowship.
Last night I went to 7:22, a singles Bible study (more like worship service) attended by about 3000 people. I can't tell you what a refreshing and encouraging blessing it was to worship God with so many other people. I was simultaneaously blessed and broken by the experience. I felt so blessed to have the privilige and honor to worship God in that place and brokenhearted that so many people have never had this opportunity either because they don't know Jesus, aren't allowed by law to worship him, or don't have places that offer this type of worship. I know that flashy lighting, a great sound system, cool band, and 3000 people aren't actually necessary for worship--that we are called to worship God with every breath of our lives, but we are also called into fellowship and after so many months of being in a spiritually dry village, it was a breath of fresh air to enter into worship with so many other believers. I wish I could bottle up that spirit of communion and worship and ship it to the village. I guess I'll have to settle for sending them prayers and a CD.
OK. I've found one beautiful thing about life here. Fellowship.
Last night I went to 7:22, a singles Bible study (more like worship service) attended by about 3000 people. I can't tell you what a refreshing and encouraging blessing it was to worship God with so many other people. I was simultaneaously blessed and broken by the experience. I felt so blessed to have the privilige and honor to worship God in that place and brokenhearted that so many people have never had this opportunity either because they don't know Jesus, aren't allowed by law to worship him, or don't have places that offer this type of worship. I know that flashy lighting, a great sound system, cool band, and 3000 people aren't actually necessary for worship--that we are called to worship God with every breath of our lives, but we are also called into fellowship and after so many months of being in a spiritually dry village, it was a breath of fresh air to enter into worship with so many other believers. I wish I could bottle up that spirit of communion and worship and ship it to the village. I guess I'll have to settle for sending them prayers and a CD.
Tuesday, August 12, 2003
Help I'm Being Sucked Into Suburbia!!!!
I can't leave the house without spending money and sitting in traffic. The air is hot and smoggy and humid. And I feel underdressed everywhere I go. This is where I grew up. I had a great childhood, but I'm just not sure if I fit in here any more. I think many people who do missions oversees have trouble transitioning, but I lived here in the US! However...Tununak is a different world. One of my friends asked me while I was there, when I planned to return to the real world. I quickly responded that Tununak was the real world. And the more I think about it, I think it may be more real than the world here. There is no other country in the world where there are giant supermarkets every other mile, each one filled with enough food to feed a small Alaskan village for a year. The variety, the choice, the convenience--it's insane! I am trying desperately to be understanding. To learn to view this world as different, rather than better or worse than the village world. There are many great things about the city--mainly movie theaters and coffeeshops. And I realize that God did not call everyone to do ministry in other places. Many of my friends and family are happy here in this place. But I'm just not convinced that I was created for the 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath, house in subdivision with matching mini van and 2.5 kids. I think my eyes need to be retrained. I wrote the following passage during my first year in the village:
"Everyday the village gets more beautiful and I begin to realize that this is because of a change in me rather than in the village. When I first arrived, I brought my suburban eyes, trained to expect the orderly tidiness of suburban subdivisions . . . Tununak was a mess. The unpaved road was pocked and muddy with several dead trucks parked on the side. The faded houses, with cracked weathered wood and tin roofs, were placed in no perceptible order. Tundra grass grew wild and junk was scattered on every lawn. Pieces of wood lay haphazardly between buildings and cargo cars from barges were left in random places."
I was ready to begin community service projects with my new students to get the whole place cleaned up, but then...
"Now I see things differently. Muddy dirt roads are a temporary annoyance until snow brings easier snowmachine access around the village. They also make a child’s playland of puddles—tiny ponds reflecting the sky and making my workouts more challenging as I hurdle them during runs. The dilapidated houses are functional homes bursting with life behind their faded walls of blue, green, and yellow. Rusted fuel tanks are vital storage places for the fuel that keeps the village running and the cargo holds house wood for the hardware store. . . The tundra grass acts as weather vanes to be viewed from the window . . . Randomly placed boards are actually strategically placed to provide walkways after rainstorms. . . Dead trucks are landmarks and storage for parts that may be used on other vehicles."
I need God to show me the beauty to be found in this place that I used to call home, but at the same time, I'm not convinced that I want to become a part of this world again.
The people in the village were Yup'ik Eskimo. The word Yup'ik derives from a word meaning "real people." I am not trying to idealize the village life. It was filled with all sorts of social problems and spiritual battles, but it was real. If you want to check out the village where I used to live, go to our school web site--Paul T. Albert Memorial School. This is the real world...
I can't leave the house without spending money and sitting in traffic. The air is hot and smoggy and humid. And I feel underdressed everywhere I go. This is where I grew up. I had a great childhood, but I'm just not sure if I fit in here any more. I think many people who do missions oversees have trouble transitioning, but I lived here in the US! However...Tununak is a different world. One of my friends asked me while I was there, when I planned to return to the real world. I quickly responded that Tununak was the real world. And the more I think about it, I think it may be more real than the world here. There is no other country in the world where there are giant supermarkets every other mile, each one filled with enough food to feed a small Alaskan village for a year. The variety, the choice, the convenience--it's insane! I am trying desperately to be understanding. To learn to view this world as different, rather than better or worse than the village world. There are many great things about the city--mainly movie theaters and coffeeshops. And I realize that God did not call everyone to do ministry in other places. Many of my friends and family are happy here in this place. But I'm just not convinced that I was created for the 3 bedroom, 2 1/2 bath, house in subdivision with matching mini van and 2.5 kids. I think my eyes need to be retrained. I wrote the following passage during my first year in the village:
"Everyday the village gets more beautiful and I begin to realize that this is because of a change in me rather than in the village. When I first arrived, I brought my suburban eyes, trained to expect the orderly tidiness of suburban subdivisions . . . Tununak was a mess. The unpaved road was pocked and muddy with several dead trucks parked on the side. The faded houses, with cracked weathered wood and tin roofs, were placed in no perceptible order. Tundra grass grew wild and junk was scattered on every lawn. Pieces of wood lay haphazardly between buildings and cargo cars from barges were left in random places."
I was ready to begin community service projects with my new students to get the whole place cleaned up, but then...
"Now I see things differently. Muddy dirt roads are a temporary annoyance until snow brings easier snowmachine access around the village. They also make a child’s playland of puddles—tiny ponds reflecting the sky and making my workouts more challenging as I hurdle them during runs. The dilapidated houses are functional homes bursting with life behind their faded walls of blue, green, and yellow. Rusted fuel tanks are vital storage places for the fuel that keeps the village running and the cargo holds house wood for the hardware store. . . The tundra grass acts as weather vanes to be viewed from the window . . . Randomly placed boards are actually strategically placed to provide walkways after rainstorms. . . Dead trucks are landmarks and storage for parts that may be used on other vehicles."
I need God to show me the beauty to be found in this place that I used to call home, but at the same time, I'm not convinced that I want to become a part of this world again.
The people in the village were Yup'ik Eskimo. The word Yup'ik derives from a word meaning "real people." I am not trying to idealize the village life. It was filled with all sorts of social problems and spiritual battles, but it was real. If you want to check out the village where I used to live, go to our school web site--Paul T. Albert Memorial School. This is the real world...
Monday, August 11, 2003
I'm not sure what I'm getting myself into. If I get addicted to this, I'm going to blame it all on Adam. As an avid journaler, I could be well suited to this. I've recently been struggling with the idea that I might be insane. The purpose of language is to communicate. With myself as the sole intended audience of my journal, I now realize that I have been essentially talking to myself for the past 10 years. Perhaps it is time for me to seek a wider audience for my personal reflections...
What is more insane--talking to myself or talking to complete strangers?
Does this thing have spell check?
What is more insane--talking to myself or talking to complete strangers?
Does this thing have spell check?
music
fiction
- Sophie's World Jostein Gaarder
- Atlas Shrugged Ayn Rand
- The Name of the Rose Umberto Eco
- Pride and Prejudice Jane Austen
- War and Peace Leo Tolstoy
- I'm sure I'm forgetting many!!!
things above
- The Consolation of Philosophy Boethius
- Desiring God John Piper
- Mere Christianity C.S. Lewis
- The Ragamuffin Gospel Brennan Manning
- Jesus with Dirty Feet Don Everts
random
- metanoia
- runner's world
- relevant magazine
- jane austen society
- tununak
- appalachian trail conference
- espn
blogs
archives
- 08/01/2003 - 09/01/2003
- 09/01/2003 - 10/01/2003
- 10/01/2003 - 11/01/2003
- 11/01/2003 - 12/01/2003
- 12/01/2003 - 01/01/2004
- 01/01/2004 - 02/01/2004
- 02/01/2004 - 03/01/2004
- 03/01/2004 - 04/01/2004
- 04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
- 05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
- 06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
- 07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
- 08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
- 09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
- 10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
- 12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
- 04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005
- 05/01/2005 - 06/01/2005
- 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
- 07/01/2005 - 08/01/2005
- 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
- 01/01/2009 - 02/01/2009